More White Men in U.S. Becoming Homemakers as Wives Work as Truckers, Bang Other Chicks and Vote for Trump

CHICAGO – A poll taken on the eve of the U.S. presidential vote has found that more White American men are turning to homemaking as their go-to career choice after largely being denied the right to work in their preferred blue-collar professions of trucking, HVAC repair, MMA fighting and right-wing podcast hosting.

The poll of 3,000 working-age White men from the ages of 25 to 57 found that 77 percent had turned toward less gender-affirming White Male vocations like homemaking due to circumstances outside of their control but largely thought to have roots in a complete lack of education and total absence of empathy toward the rest of humanity, although other factors like a constant need for third-party validation also may have played a role.

To fill the gap created by their departures from traditional cis-man occupations, their wives have largely been taking on the main breadwinner responsibilities like tooling around in the garage for what seems like forever as the rest of the family actually gets some shit done, doltishly calling out the neighbors for having too many dandelions in their lawn while their own looks like the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, and putting their fingers up the parade of floozies they come into contact with during daily, garden-variety moments like tripping over their own dicks.

The freedom-from-actual-work ethos many of the working-age White Men have adopted may have seeped into the psyches of their wives along with their political inclinations, the researchers behind the poll found, with many of the womenfolk now declaring Donald Trump as their preferred choice for U.S. president because of their newfound need to deploy violence rather than civilly engage with anyone outside their extended gene pool.

The researchers also found that the homemaking men’s overwhelming need to use the military to create a climate of fear and repression within their own families was having a profound effect on their wives, leading them to tacitly grant permission to extremist neighbors to barge through their front doors at any time to help themselves to whatever is in the fridge before ultimately eating their own.