CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Julieandre Liu-Archibald finally got paid for taking their love of word-neutering to another level, becoming the first student at Harvard University to graduate with a degree in Pronouns.
They promised during the graduation ceremony on Sunday that they would use their degree to leverage their life-journey experiences to help others realize their dreams of the wholesale evisceration of logic-based lexiconic reasoning to make it seem like only they own the idiomatic language realm.
But Liu-Archibald told the adoring crowd at the ceremony at Harvard’s Tercentenary Theatre that they could not have made it this far without the support of their parents, siblings and God, who helped them turn their life around when they were little more than a singular pronoun struggling to identify as something larger – like possibly two or preferably three plural pronouns or even more.
“It wasn’t always this easy for us,” Liu-Archibald said of themselves. “There were long stretches during our lives that our parents didn’t know what to do with us, and this was mostly because we didn’t really have a great idea where we were going because we frankly didn’t have our shit together.
“It wasn’t until ‘I’ became ‘they, them, us, we and ourselves’ that we saw a clearer direction for where our career pilgrimage could truly take us, and we can only thank our parents and our God for having patience with us and staying as a constant in our lives while we worked out how we could best exploit pronoun usage and make it a thing we could wield as a cudgel against all other interlopers in our lifework.”
Liu-Archibald said they now hoped to get a job as a with Fortune 500 company as an activist for social change, inspiring other fierce pronoun advocates to terrorize HR departments everywhere to work toward a more pluralistic world of contrived corporate in-speak.
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