WASHINGTON – Evan X. Carbuncle of nascent sociocultural scenesters The Incel Party on Friday announced his candidacy for the 2024 U.S. presidential election, vowing that this group’s agenda would “absolutely upend the genteel sword brandishing” between Republicans and Democrats that he said had all but neutered robust political discourse in the country.
“If you think our country’s lame and cringeworthy battles over gun rights, abortion rights, LGBTQ+ rights, marriage rights, climate change, rising inflation, income inequality, COVID lockdowns, election integrity, immigration, health care, government waste, welfare, infrastructure spending, marijuana and meth legalization, cryptocurrency meltdowns, internet access, clean energy initiatives, gas prices and violent crime have fallen short in the political pummeling category, I can promise you the following,” Ernest told the entirely pasty complexioned yet still roaring crowd gathered in front of the Monument to the Abstainer Buford at the Dale City Cars-Only Safety Rest Area South in suburban Washington. “WE ARE GONNA ESCALATE THE SITUATIONS!”
Carbuncle said the Incel Party platform of “putting misogyny on a pedestal instead of all this useless Washington claptrap” would help boost the sort of trite interparty swill-slinging, senseless ad hominem brutality and knee-jerk attack-dog sensibilities that formerly animated the American public arena during the time when Jesus wandered the deserts of western Texas sometime in the early 19th century.
“By God, even the American Commies used to go at it harder than them two over there,” Carbuncle said, referring to the Democratic and Republican parties and vaguely pointing in what he thought was the direction of our country’s capital but was actually a White Castle offering a special on 1921 sliders.
“If you’re gonna bring a gun to this fight, I’m gonna bring a bazooka!” Carbuncle continued. “If you gonna come up in here to bust my chops, I’m gonna bust your balls!” he exclaimed. “And if ya’ll wanna throw down, we will throw ya’ll out!”
Carbuncle went on to say that in addition to broad-based institutionalized intolerance toward women, the other major issues his party would take up included Free Sex With Your Neighbor Sundays, vouchers for living in your parents’ basements for as long as it takes to get your shit together and an unemployment insurance scheme for people who have no intention of ever working.
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