BEIJING – The Chinese Ministry of Foreign Affairs said Friday that it had offered to send the warrior-class Uighur compatriots it is currently training at the Harmonious People’s Rock Mine to Ukraine to join “the global brotherhood of ethnically unclean martys” against invading Russian forces.
“As we know, our Uighur forces have been preparing for such an opportunity to serve the Motherland since the Xinjiang region freely came under the control of China after we raped it on multiple occasions during the times of the Qing Dynasty, thereby making it wholly ours under the law as it existed at the time,” Ministry spokeswoman Hua Chunying said.
“And now, this Uighur brigade has volunteered to unshackle themselves from their needed labors at their present workplace [the Harmonious People’s Rock Mine in Xinjiang] and act in their multitudes as human shields in an effort to stymie the advance of the Russian military, who China now views as unfriendly to the Ukrainian people,” she said.
“We can say with great accuracy that our Uighur fighters would be best placed if they were tied to culturally important Ukrainian statuary in key cities so as to make them the most inviting targets in a defensive alignment sure to guarantee victory against the Russians,” Hua continued.
“To ensure their effectiveness for the Ukrainians, we have booby-trapped the insides of the Uighurs with renminbi cash prizes for the Russians. Little do they know that since the renminbi has lost about 3 percent in value since the start of the year, their purchasing power when they come to China to buy vodka, coal chunks and frozen blini will be distressingly low!”
Hua said Ukraine remained on the course for victory as long as it used the Uighur fighters’ near-certain extermination during battle as leverage against the Russians in the greater conflict. “For example, Ukraine could use the bodies of all the Uighurs as a fortifying wall against the Russian military advance,” she said. “Although this would likely crush many of the Uighurs spirits, if not their bodies – assuming they are still alive at the time – China stands fully behind this most fundamental of strategic maneuvers and hopes the Ukrainian government understands that it is a sacrifice that the Chinese people are willing to bear.”
Hua added that China was also willing to allow its entire Tibetan population move en masse to Ukraine to help defend against Russian aggression, and would keep all the Buddhist monasteries and temples in Tibet in “fine working order” until they either returned victorious from their mission “or unfortunately happen to die off completely while they are gone.”