BEIJING – The Chinese government said today that tennis star Peng Shuai had voluntarily taken her talents to the Harmonious People’s Rock Mine in Xinjiang Province, where she will help mine residents refine their overhead hammer strikes in the pits and work on her own two-fisted backhand at the nearby Xinjiang People’s Sex Re-Education Camp.
Peng, who earlier this month accused a senior Communist Party official and former deputy premier, Zhang Gaoli, of sexual assault, has not been seen since she made the charge on her Weibo account.
Although state-run broadcaster CGTN reported that Peng had totally not been a victim of a Hong Kong-style hooded extradition and forcibly taken to a Commie black site for requisite torture of ordinary citizens demanding any form of justice in the face of obvious crimes committed by party oficials, doubts were raised as to her whereabouts when she was spotted in the panda cage at the Xinjiang Dissidents Zoo wearing Hello Kitty prison pajamas and holding a sign reading, “Everything is totally cool here. No need to worry about me.”
Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Zhao Lijian said on Friday at a press conference with the international media that Peng, a Wimbledom and French Open titlist, had admitted her tennis game wasn’t up to speed and needed a major upgrade, as did her entire approach to Xi Jinping thought on socialism with Chinese characteristics. “She could also be more receptive to win-win coaching on accepted notions of Big Brotherly Love,” he added.
Zhao said that Zhang, the former deputy premier, had also not been heard from since Peng’s Weibo post but was presumably still working at his new job as head of state security for the women’s changing rooms at the Chinese National Tennis Federation and Sauna in Beijng, whose stable includes tennis stars Li Na and Wang Qiang and the actors Fan Bingbing and Angelbaby.
The nightly 888 yuan all-you-can-eat buffet at the sauna includes options like spicy tender pangolin scales and bear bile sweet ‘n sour soup, but because the products are all sourced within China’s “Nine-Dash Line” of hegemonic territorial claims in the South China Sea, “they are all within internationally accepted norms,” Zhao added.