TEHRAN – Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Amani Oxenfree, said today that his country would rain down revenge strikes so hard on the United States for its assassination of a top Iranian military commander that it would no longer be able to put its pants on the right way in the morning or enjoy simple pleasures “like stuffing bags of gerbils up its ass while high on crack and dancing around like an infidel.”
The comments came as Iran sought its own military response to what it viewed as an outrageous breach of its quasi-sovereignty in Iraq when the U.S. pounded drone rocket fire on a convoy carrying General Qasem Soleimani, the commander of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard’s elite Quds Force, killing Soleimani and several other Iranian military officials. The White House said the Iranians were in Baghdad planning a series of military strikes against U.S. forces in Iraq and throughout the Middle East, while the Iranian government said its military squadron was in Baghdad touring college campuses with its school-age children in a convoy of SBI-Fajr 3 6×6-Wheeled Multiple Launch Rocket System vehicles.
The Ayataollah’s spokesman, Mehjri Mulaikthabi, said Tehran would aim its heat-seeking missiles at the places whose destruction would hurt the pagan drug-addicted sex deviant capitalists of America the most – the U.S. headquarters of supersmut big boobs and lush pussy provider PornHub, as well as the country’s main meth lab network spanning from South Dakota to West Virginia.
A recent study by the xxx xxx, a research institute based in Washington, found that most of America’s quivering manhood would be left with only a “catatonic level of functioning” without PornHub services, leaving it susceptible to Persian jihadi influence and resulting in the likelihood that the U.S. government would call a halt to its expansionary geopolitical endgame.
Mulaikthabi said PornHub was being targeted despite Iran’s government having “absolutely no knowledge of where to find it on the Internet or what you would do with such a website should you happen to stumble upon it while researching the possibility of the Mahdi returning to earth under Allah’s command.”
“We do know that the obliteration of the PornHub facilities and the main meth lab network will bring the U.S. to its knees, as it is widely known that American men can barely function