DENPASAR, BALI – A militant expat yoga junta calling itself OmPure and driven by a power-food-based neo-Lululemonist ideology has declared a coup on the Bali government, announcing from its beach headquarters in Canggu that it has established control in the southwestern coastal area of the island through a coalition of 27 yoga studios, 18 CrossFit gyms, 12 muay thai centres and 347 organic coffee shops.
A spokeswoman for the group, Lydia Shri-Vinyasa-Smith, who claims she hails from a mythological town in England called Guildford, said OmPure was prepared to begin studio-to-street demonstrations against the local government for what the group believes is the government’s “incapacity to absorb and unwillingness to accept that the digital nomad-cum-pop fitness slave tribe’s advaita [nonduality] is the one true reality” that all the tribes of Bali will someday come to live by.
“Although we have tried to reason with the local government about elevating its traditionalist Hindu approach to governing to something more enlightening that incorporates our values of cold-food veganism, hothouse yoga and the full embrace of biotic spandex, its response so far been to shrug off our demands, acting as though they’ve been on the island for several millennia and so our opinions somehow don’t matter,” Shri-Vinyasa-Smith said.
“We do feel, however, that there are some commonalities we share with the government and people of Bali, such as eking out a barebones existence by owning and operating Warung Jimmy’s surf shack and hostel just at the edge of Putu Gede’s rice paddy, where we also host a nightly barbecued aubergine cookout and tribal psytrance competition.”
“Reflecting our group’s name, OmPure, we are a simple organism with a complex meaning,” she continued. “Living freely in a natural setting devoid of plastic straws and toxic humanity, where our visionpath can someday be realised – this, truly, is our singular goal,” she said as approximately 10,000 Gojek scooter drivers thundered by her sparsely furnished palm-hewn hut, spewing CO2 particulate matter into the air like so much charcoal confetti.
The Bali government said that although it did not accept OmPure’s coup declaration, it would be happy to consider giving it a demonstration permit so long as it holds its protests at the sprawling Finn’s VIP Beach Club, whose vibey music and insane setup has welcomed revolutionary expat groups since 2017.