BEIJING – The Chinese government confirmed today that the number of juvenile pigs that failed to make it past the age of 2 months because they were being brutally culled for the annual Lunar New Year feast had hit a record 57,428,300 and going strong, while 18 mostly old people had died from seasonal flu, know this year as the coronavirus.
The government said that most of the baby pigs had expected to see an early death during the holiday, but that there was no cause for widespread panic because they would serve as culturally mandated table ornamentation and most likely taste delicious, especially when paired with Kweichou Moutai or some other fiery local liquor hoisted for traditional Lunar New Year toasts.
Although some animal-rights activists in China voiced concern that tens of millions of seemingly intelligent, curious and adorable animals – who share many human characteristics like the ability to form social hierarchies – were being sacrificed even though most would not even be eaten given the heaping mounds of other endangered species meat available for consumption on tables nationwide, the Chinese government urged all its citizens to just enjoy and ignore any feelings of empathy.
Meanwhile, the flu virus continued to cause entire cities to be shut down, stampedes at train stations, feelings of impending doom in Hong Kong and other areas far from the virus’s epicentre, stock market crashes and bank runs, despite the fact that the chance of catching it was about the same as getting a free haircut in a random elevator. The chance of consuming roast suckling pig was significantly higher though, at about 30 percent.