The rapid global spread of the novel coronavirus and the disease it causes, Covid-19, have sent international fucking rates plunging, with alarmed health authorities in several countries warning of a pan-vaginal shutdown as The Sisterhood & Co. lock it up entirely in an effort to keep the lethal barbed-wire flu demon well away from bush country.
Traylee Snodgrass, director of the US-government-supported Women’s and LGBTQ+ Health Initiative in New York City, said her collective had already taken a number of measures to prevent the coronavirus from achieving hymenation – a process whereby a virus gains human entry by bypassing traditional openings like the mouth and eyeballs and heads straight to the pudenda in hopes of a bigger payoff.
But Snodgrass said a greater group effort was needed by all womanhood and their genderqueer and gay allies and anyone else who might use a vagina or other orifice in stimulatory pastimes in order to keep the virus from spreading exponentially.
“Although we have advised Sisterhood & Co. to take every precaution in protecting themselves from entry by dubious entities including Covid-19, we cannot act as a clearinghouse for every potential intruder that comes knocking at their doors,” Snodgrass emphasized. “That’s why we are recommending they zip it up at their earliest convenience and keep it zipped up, except possibly for special occasions like the Kentucky Derby (now cancelled), the final Democratic debate during primary season (now cancelled), Harvey Weinstein’s first parole board hearing (now cancelled) and that luxe overseas trip you’ve been meaning to take with your loved one for years now but just couldn’t find the time (now cancelled).”
The Gay Men’s Rimming Alliance, an international organization originally started with a grant from UNESCO but that now operates out of its offices in Miami under the auspices of the Florida Federation of Young Republicans, also warned its members to keep a safe distance from sensitive anal tissues and any other setting that could prove inviting as a host to the coronavirus or the 23rd Annual Avant-Drag Mardi Gras Festival in Wilton Manors.
Barry Shiner, a spokesman for the group, added, however, that the group was not recommending a worldwide backyard shutdown because the Meat Mall needed to stay open for at least some essential basket shopping.
Comments are closed.