CHINA-OCCUPIED HONG KONG – Hong Kong medical authorities were examining whether vomit detritus found on the sidewalk of the city’s tony Soho party district was from a victim of the raging coronavirus that has already struck three or maybe four people in the territory or from the ordinary spewage of the dozens of drunken expat bankers normally seen every weekend and holiday here.
Breaking in Asia staffers who had seen the vomitus described it as “probably not mutating” and full of what looked like the digested remains of a 7-Eleven egg salad-and-tuna sandwich and remnants of a lime twist, leading them to conclude that a middle-aged, most likely English expat HSBC banker had heaved on the sidewalk after a classic Lunar New Year holiday bender.
Hong Kong’s Department of Health said the banker was probably accompanied by three or four junior HSBC bankers who actually do most of his work for him during the day and then are expected to pick up the tab whenever he decides they have to accompany him on the Tanqueray & Tonic Taxi to Soho or Wyndham Street, where he inevitably tweaks after about his third hard drink and goes off Fury Road style on locals, Yanks and his two ex-Filipina wives and their thieving children.
A Department of Health official, Alvin Wong, said the spiralling shape of the vomitus indicated the banker had also probably consumed an inordinate amount of cocaine in his efforts to build up a rage boner before he hit Amazonia bar in Wanchai to pick up “Manila jungle bait” and involve himself in yet another personal relationship he was not emotionally equipped to handle and could ill afford anyway.
Wong said that increasing reports of drunken and irate expat bankers in the city’s nightspots were a concern to the Department of Health, but that residents could combat their spread by avoiding anyone wearing a Marks & Spencer Blue Tailor Fit Wool Rich Checked Suit and putting all their money in some random fintech app that works just as well as having an HSBC account but without the egregious customer service experience.
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