DENPASAR, BALI – An Australian surfing group on Bali announced Wednesday that it had raised the equivalent of US$57,000 to fund a mental health project it calls “Surfers Against STD Stigma,” which the group hopes will raise awareness for what it says are “thousands of local women suffering the stigma of STDs they mostly got from us and are now banned from their communities and so have to work in local bars as prostitutes as a result.”
Lucas Campbell, the founder of the group who said he used to infect “foive ta seex sheilas per” with STDs when he was “garn choc-a-bloc Fahkin bloody oath, mate” – presumably speaking of his daily casual sex tally – admitted there was some irony in his group trying to help the very women and men impacted most by the Aussie surfer boys’ casual disregard for local community standards and basic levels of hygiene that even wild hyenas usually follow when humping or eating unknown or exotic species in the African Serengeti.
“I can see how people might think this is absolutely the worst way to go about supporting mental health efforts in the local community,” Campbell said.
“I guess it’s easy for outsiders to criticize us for spreading what are ordinarily highly preventable STD transmissions and then coming in after the fact to say we’re here to help. But the fact is we have also been adversely impacted by this scenario, with many of our members having to return to Australia only to be cock-blocked on a massive scale by our wives, girlfriends and boyfriends who no longer see us as fit life partners after screwing perhaps as many as 300 to 500 locals each with utter impunity, sometimes right on the beach and other times in the common living quarters of the hostel” he said
“I’m not sure how that equates with the payback of being totally ghosted, though,” he added.
Campbell said that the overall strategy of the mental health project would be to have teams of roving Aussie surfers do “wellness checks” on women, boys and others they have infected with STDs, giving them inspirational talks and messages of love and support such as “C’mon back to my place and let’s talk about it with my mates Wayne, Cobber and Noah. They’re good lads and won’t go all aggro in your backwash,” and “Yeah bro, pretty gnarly closeout on that last sheila but let’s get out on dawn patrol tomorrow and catch some early froth, eh?”
Campbell added that the group members would meet up later after their therapy seshes with their clients to swap ideas on other wellness strategies, like how to get absolutely cunted after a full day out on the waves and get the night’s tab charged to the credit card of your best mate back home, Zyler.
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