HANOI – North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un buried his face into the crook of his arm and sobbed.
As U.S. President Donald Trump took leave of their long-planned rendezvous in Hanoi, Kim could only think his best-laid plans for a platonic-plus, super-supportive relationship, taking into account each partner’s dimorphous geopolitical aims and dynastic constituencies back home, now lay in tatters.
“Why Why Why?!” Kim burbled to no one in particular in his stately suite at the Hotel Melia, pounding a frozen fist into his Banh Mi-flavored chicken nuggets.
“This is’t what I signed up for,” the congenitally murderous tyrant exclaimed. “This whole thing really isn’t working out for me.”
“If our tie is based on two independent people coming together and working out an equitable relationship and nurturing each other while giving our partnership space to grow into a non-conflict-oriented, mutually reinforcing bond, this really, really isn’t it.”
“I don’t even know what to say anymore,” Kim continued. “This is like me and Vladimir, me and Justin, me and Emmanuel all over again.”
“I’m done,” he said. “I am so so so so done. I am done with white guys”
“I don’t know, maybe if I had used Lee’s Milky Solution to somehow make myself more appealing …” Kim trailed off, his mind now wandering into a place reserved for nuclear-armed dictators and economically disadvantaged sexpat brides.
“What could have been, Donald … What could have been …”
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