BEIJING — President Xi Jinping of China said Thursday that his formerly tight bond with North Korea strongman and brother from another mother Kim Jong-un was coming under pressure because of Kim’s refusal to admit that his “Gangnam ’87” hairstyle was bringing unwanted attention to the relationship and beginning to erode Xi’s self-esteem to the point that he was having doubts about his plans for total global domination.
Xi, who tends to his own perfectly manicured coif with the help of nothing more than a custom-made Tiger Shark-tooth comb and late-vintage Andalusian olive oil, said the “bizarre trapezoidal pompa-don’t” lying on Kim’s head had not only hurt the feelings of the Chinese people, it had also brought out his own repressed feelings of inadequacy and revived memories of a childhood so barren that his only possession was a wooden rice bowl — the same exact wooden rice bowl that when turned upside-down and placed on top of his head was used to pattern a simple haircut.
“Brother Kim doesn’t seem to realize that when I look at the top of his head, the only thing I see is my stunted childhood staring back at me, sing-song mocking me and saying something like, “Comrade Xi … Comrade Xi … Don’t you wish you had a real Mao-style haircut like all the other children of Communist Party bureaucrats instead of your thrifty bangs?'”
“Of course we were poor — everyone was in those times,” Xi said of his upbringing during the Cultural Revolution, a time when barbering scissors were largely unavailable because they were being used for torture. “But I don’t need to be reminded of it every time I look at that weird shorn part of Kim’s hair just above his ears.”
Xi said he had lately been reflecting on the true nature of his relationship with Kim and had decided that it may be time to leave Kim by the wayside, even though such things don’t really exist in North Korea due to the complete lack of cars or motorways there.
“I’ve been reading this book by Dr. Jan Yager, ‘When Friendship Hurts,’ which says there is a myth that friendships should last a lifetime,” Xi said, wiping away a small tear dribbling down his cheek. “I believe now that maybe it is better this so-called ‘Lifetime Friendship’ comes to an end,” he finished, stifling a sob.
Dr. Soo-yen Park, a professor of psychology at Seoul National University who has studied the Kim-Xi relationship, said that although the unraveling of the bond could have detrimental effects on the mental health of both leaders, it would “probably not” lead to the mutual self-destruction of both countries or random acts of international terrorism.
“Fortunately, Xi and Kim aren’t married to each other, so the likelihood that a major trauma from a potential breakup of the two leading to something of larger consequence, like, say, a nuclear winter, are quite small.”
Kim could not be reached for comment by Breaking In Asia staff because he was outside flying a toy drone he had just received for his birthday from his wife that he would later use to destroy two small farming villages near the Kim Jong-il Mountains in the north of the country for no other reason than it left him “full of radiant joy that all North Koreans may prosper,” except for the ones he had just obliterated.
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