PHNOM PENH – The Cambodian government on Thursday designated the country’s capital, Phnom Penh, a protected sex tourism zone, as it seeks to win a greater share of the crucial market from its regional rivals Bangkok, Ho Chi Minh City and the Indonesian resort island of Bali.
Jeffrey Grassley, director of development for the Daun Penh subdistrict in Phnom Penh, which comprises the city’s prime riverside tourist area, said the measure was “sorely needed” to lock in the city’s status as a premier destination for sex-starved expat punters, some of whom come as far away as Dusseldorf, Stockholm and Glasgow, where they face sexual oppression on their home soil due to a litany of factors including their decrepit physical condition, their complete lack of financial savvy and their inability to juggle multiple chemical dependencies while maintaining intimate relationships.
“This move will set Cambodia apart because it will actually raise the standard of sex services on offer here,” Grassley, an American who briefly studied business administration at Cham Bo Pee Lut University in Phnom Penh before being summarily dismissed for self-penetration of a foreign object not covered in the university’s curriculum, an act that brought him to the attention of local government officials who were keen at the time to hire foreign experts in deviant and dysmorphic methodologies as it sought to ramp up its “Very Well Laid in Cambodia” marketing campaign — a play on the decades-long “Very Well Made in Taiwan” mercantilist drive of its farther-flung Asian neighbor.
VIRTUAL LAUGHINGSTOCK
Grassley said the designation will allow the government to boost funding for the sector, including a $20 million grant that will go toward an intensive training campaign for sex workers focused on improving professional standards and eliminating some of the practices that had long dominated the industry and made Cambodia a virtual laughingstock among hardened punters accustomed to the relatively higher standards on tap in Thailand, Vietnam and even mainland China.
“Sex tourists will no longer have to worry about receiving what is known here as a ‘sub-palm’ happy ending massage — one where the sex provider actually performs the act with only her thumb and fatty ‘mons’ part of her lower hand, without using her other four digits to provide the crucial friction needed to achieve the maximal result,” Grassley said, adding that the practice had evolved due to the widespread belief among sex workers here that it spared the other four fingers unneeded chafing and the attendant gossip that particular condition fosters.
“Now, sex workers in Phnom Penh will be able to leverage the training to expand their skill sets and really target a more matrix-driven approach to meeting their clients’ diverse needs and peccadilloes,” Grassley said.
CHEAP CHARLIES
My Lon Poon, a sex worker from Battambong Province who has been plying her trade in the capital for three years after graduating cum loudly from a local technical college, said she expected the new designation would not significantly impact her revenues, due to the fact that her foreign customers, whom she termed “Cheap Charlies,” would give her five dollars regardless of whether she gave a no-fingered happy ending or stuck her tongue up their arses. “It all the same to them,” she said. “These go-go grampas so trigger happy I just show little boob and they finished.”
Poon added, however, that she would attend any training classes offered under the new program in an effort to keep up with ever-stiffening competition.
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