China has had a gerbil up its ass about Taiwan for so long now it’s almost impossible to imagine how it could have room up there for another.
But here Beijing goes again: on its haunches, its rear smugly open, a gaping, encrapulated round eye staring at a geopolitical dildo of death: Hong Kong. Is it trying to shit out its Taiwan problem or does it want to ass-hoover a bigger, multi-pronged one that could, if Beijing is not very careful, rip China’s innards out one by one as the world watches, bemused but strangely titillated?
We at Breaking In Asia cannot fathom why China, through the subjugation of Hong Kong, wants to pile more brutalities onto the junk-heap of its 5,000 years of history. In doing so, it is proclaiming itself from afar as Lord God King BuFu of a place it only knew as its butt-end before it gave it away to Britain in a drug-addled stupour, only to want it back when she became spectacularly stable, friendly, wealthy and beautiful — in other words, everything China is not and never can be given its present politics.
Oh, are we hurting the feelings of the Chinese people? Did we just pull our late-model Mercedes G-Class across four lanes of traffic at a major downtown Beijing intersection, mow down 15 pedestrians while doing so, phlegm-hacking huge loogies out the driver’s side window along the way while bitterly complaining that it’s America’s fault we don’t know how to drive! That it’s Britain’s fault that we don’t know how to avoid road-grading pedestrians! That it’s the Western World’s fault that we somehow can’t sputum-hawk without goobering up the entire Pearl River Delta?
Here’s someone whose feelings might be hurting, China: the 1.2 million Uighur citizens of your fair land enjoying summer vacation at Camp Harmonious Compatriots Rock Mine, where they have complete freedom to join elective classes like “Enforced Xi Jinping Thought” and “May a Thousand Renminbi Bloom, Just Not From Uighur Businesses,” and such activities as “Starting Your Own Great Leap Forward, But Without 45 Million Deaths This Time.”
Also being psychologically mutilated in China: Tibetans, anyone caught reading the non-CPC-sanctified version of the Bible, vegetarians, the entire LGBTQ community, black Westerners, black Africans and black Chinese, and, of course, dwarves. In short, anyone “not like us,” whoever you monsters are. In addition, your finest minds have even advanced the proposition that every able citizen should work 12 hours a day – no more, no less – because what else do they possibly have to do with their time? Enjoy their lives?
Man, Beijing! You sure do make becoming part of the Mental Kingdom appealing. How could Taiwan and Hong Kong even think about turning down an offer to become part of a country that demands obeisance simply because it exists outside the space-time continuum of normative international anything and is therefore awesome. Also, your claim that you own everything from Beijing through Hong Kong on down past Taiwan, the Philippines, Vietnam, Indonesia, Malaysia, and Cambodia, which still doesn’t even have its own pot to piss in – well, that is somewhat egregious, don’t you think?
Your answer here would be no, of course. “AND DON’T MAKE CHINA ANGRY! YOU WON’T LIKE US WHEN WE’RE ANGRY!”
Well, China, we don’t like you so much right now. And the people of Hong Kong don’t want to see you engorged with even more rage. They would like to live in peace, and by their own rules. And in doing so, make Hong Kong an oasis of freedoms: freedom from incestuous politics, freedom from mind-numbing cultural imperialism and, most important, freedom from Doddering Dictatorial Daddy.