Global news entertainment heavyweights CNN and Fox News International estimated today that if we really want to get to the next level on this thing, a world-renowned celebrity, athlete or politician like Madonna, Lewis Hamilton or Emmanuel Macron would have to die an excruciating death from the coronavirus carried out live in agonizing fashion on Instagram or Twitter over a period of days or even weeks.
Cases where the international celebrity who dies would otherwise qualify but is too old – for example, Gloria Estefan, Pelé or Silvio Berlusconi – would not really count as having kicked this bitch up to Global Death Rattle, All Your Fears Confirmed stage, the two broadcasters said.
What would really lift this a notch to Max International Paradigm Shift Game-Changer, CNN and Fox News said, is if two globally famous stars who acted together in the same film or played together on the same soccer team or were a member of the same political cabinet – for example the football stars Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney, who formed a powerful partnership with Manchester United more than a decade ago; or the actors and former couple Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman; or even Team Trump members Stephen Miller and Jarod Kushner – died from the coronavirus at or about the same time.
They added, though, that these were just examples and were not their actual thought projections on which pairs of celebrity stars they themselves would actually enjoy seeing die, preferably within a day of each other for maximum impact.
CNN noted that although there were limited rumblings of panic stemming from the passing of some minor celebrities, full-blown hysteria would only be seen when the celebrity death involves someone that absolutely everyone knows, like the Dalai Lama or Woody Allen, God forbid either should meet an otherwise untimely death but many have had the knives out for so long on these two that what the fuck.
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